Thinking recently about who I am and where exactly my identity comes from I have been looking back on my life and exploring those moments which shaped and defined me. This was epitomised during my recent trip to Sligo, Northern Ireland where I was involved in the worship team in the youth venue. One of the evening speakers, Jude, asked me to read a book called ‘Closer Still’ by Scott Evans. Unfortunately due to time I was only able to skim it but suffice to say I’m seeking to purchase a copy for more detailed reading and reflection.
There was one anecdote about midway through where Scott was recounting his experiences of bullying which brought me to the point of tears. Forgive me for the paraphrase but I will try to do my best to get across what he said. As he was reflecting at a retreat he was reminded of an incident where he was pushed to the floor, naked, in the changing rooms at school. At this point in the reflection he heard two voices, the first coming from the two who had pushed him telling him that he was never going to be a man, people were never going to follow him, he was never going to amount to anything.
The second voice came from the people stood around watching, some of whom were friends who told him that no-one would ever stand beside him or back him up, he was always going to be alone.
At this point I closed the book and cried. I was sat in a hotel lobby alone with a stream of people wandering in and out, people sat around tables with coffee and here I was, a pathetic figure in a crowd of strangers being reminded of exactly how those many moments felt. It was lonely, incredibly lonely. Yet there was a strange sense of healing about this, about desperately trying to look like I was just resting, there was at the same time a fear of engaging with my past yet a knowledge that this was a necessary part of moving into the future. Now I haven’t yet fully let rip with this, inevitably it will happen soon and I hope nobody is there to see it but I think it says something profound about how we treat our pasts.
I believe there are two main ways to treat emotions like that, those traumatic events which make us who we are and most people will fall into one of these two camps on some section of the scale. Some will embrace it, they will not fear it and they will appear calm and collected about what has happened to them. It doesn’t seem like it controls them but in reality it is exactly what has happened to them that drives them to be who they are. They feel they need to prove to the world that trauma doesn’t define us but the reality is that the trauma has precisely defined who they are. Now don’t hear me wrong, most people who are like this go on to do great things and this response is in no way negative but there is often an emotional disassociation from what happened.
The second group of people will try to avoid any reminder of the event(s), they will convince themselves either that it never happened or that it hasn’t affected them negatively. This is the group that I belong to. That moment when you’re harshly reminded of something that you never wanted to be brought back, you feel your eyes welling up with tears and then fight them back because, in my case, I’M A MAN!!
I hate being reminded of those bad things that happened, I think everybody does. However, there needs to be healing from those past wounds in order for the future to be the best that it can be. I’m not going to go ahead and try to dictate all the different ways that this can happen because I’m not entirely sure of what they are. My experience has been that this healing comes through people, through the relationships we have with people. As the lender of the book, Jude, said so very wisely, ‘We are relational beings…’ and she is absolutely right.
Running away from any form of relational healing (because lets face it, bullying, assault, neglect etc. are all relationally damaging at their core) is what seems sensible. It keeps us from the arms of harm and the safety net of loneliness is so much more appealing than the danger of falling into an unknown void. Most people will continue to be cautious around relational danger zones which involve emotional vulnerability and self-sacrifice but it is important to recognise that there are people around us who want to help us in the healing process.
I believe that this is one of the most important jobs the church has been charged with: to journey with those who are hurting and broken on a road which will hurt and which may break a little more but will end with the rebuilding of relationships and the development of the trust we were created to have in each other.
If you haven’t found this then I would encourage you not to give up. Each of us were made in God’s image, we were made to be in relationship with others. It may be difficult, I know it is for me. But we all know deep down that life is about taking risks, life is about love and life is about people. However painful it is to embrace, look at your future as a risky path of broken hearts and people who are hurting who want to journey with you, your broken heart and your pain. Some of those people you will find healing with, others will be a comfort when you’re feeling like nobody is listening to you but the journey is about people. So let’s do it together.
